the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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