I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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