we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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