I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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