my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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