i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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