I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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