if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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