I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
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that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
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You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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