is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
