I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i think i have two assholes
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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