there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
