3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
