he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
