You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
