she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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