The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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