WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
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Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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