You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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