Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
