You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.