apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
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I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.