I wanna bring you to show and tell
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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