Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
