I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
