You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
