I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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