She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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