He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
