My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
