Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
