I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
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I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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