Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
