oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
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My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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