I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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