apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
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We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
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I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?