I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES