mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
cat food counts as protein by the way
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.