Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
