I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
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Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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