I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
