): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
