please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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