That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
