at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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