You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
