I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
