Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize