the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
