we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
