I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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