Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
