New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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