God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
