i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm too high and old for this...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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